life so far….

so it has been a long time since I have done anything on this website, things have really changed in my life and it has taken me a minute to take a breath. so where do I begin…..WELL even I don’t know that one.

I guess I am trying to find who I am really, I struggled from an early age to find an identity and then I had some trauma in my life and I completely lost who I was. It took me years to find myself, and when I did I had the best times, the best friends and I was so happy. Don’t get me wrong there were great struggles during that time, being a single parent of 2 from a young age was tough, no money, struggling day to day, I was happy, I knew who I was. I HAD an identity. life was amazing, I loved my job, my friends and my girls were doing fantastic in school I was so proud of them. Then I met someone, who completely took me by surprise. Life was good, then I got sick, my health started to decline and I was eventually diagnosed with FIBROMYALGIA. Wow did that knock me on my arse. I struggled to function, I fought what was happening to me daily but once it has you in its grasp it does not let up. The symptoms are so unpredictable that you end up missing work, missing dates with friends and family, you end up in this bubble that nothing can penetrate. I LOST MYSELF.

I tried to hide what I was feeling, how I was feeling, because my partner and daughters needed me more, they needed me to be strong. When someone else has mental health issues you focus on them because they matter more. That did not work out so well for me, I was struggling with my new life, who was this person now? I was grieving for the old me, my old life. I no longer knew who I was, that identity I taken so long to find was gone, dead. Who am I now…

So one day I opened up and I said out loud “I am really struggling, mentally.” The response I got was “I can’t do this anymore” and just like that he was gone, moved out, moved on. 5 years just tossed aside like it was a reading a magazine and you were done and it was now in the bin. Well it didn’t quite happen like that, the distance came first, like I was a stranger or he would get a disease if he was close to me, that is how it felt. so what do I do now…….

I tried to end my life, not because of him but because I was only holding on for him and my daughters. My girls were fantastic and living their lives, having a great time, like I always wanted for them so in my mind they didn’t need me anymore, it was okay to go. Yes I know that is wrong, I know they will always need me, but life is too hard, being in agony everyday physically and mentally is exhausting. Every day is an uphill battle, everyday I have these thoughts, everyday I am lost. I don’t know who I am, but I do know I am better off alone again, for 5 years I wasn’t myself. I am loud, fun, and social…when someone doesn’t like the volume of your voice or asks you to not to speak at all then you retreat into yourself. The person I was before I met him or even at the beginning got snuffed out, she is dead. Now I need to find myself again.

Working with the mental health crisis team is my next step, I need to sit with my emtions, feel them, work through them, process and understand. This is new to me, I avoid everything, push it away and lock the door. I don’t know how to sit with my emotions, I don’t know how to process them.

So this is the next stage in my life, I have always been strong and independent, never needed anyone. I am taking some time to find myself again. so watch this space….. I am taking you all on the journey with me.

gentle hugs

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